Michael Cohen’s Plan To Flee If Trump Returns To Office

In a plot twist straight out of a Douglas Adams novel, Michael Cohen, once the self-proclaimed “fixer” for Donald Trump, has hinted that if his former boss wins the 2024 election, he’s not just leaving the country—he might leave the planet. Forget Canada or some tropical beach; Cohen’s escape plans are more on par with science fiction than real-world witness protection.

Cohen was recently interviewed on MSNBC, where he made remarks about his concerns.

Michael Cohen says he has no choice but to flee the country if Donald Trump wins the election and that he’s already working on getting a foreign passport with a new name. pic.twitter.com/TacYwc2rsJ

— ALX 🇺🇸 (@alx) September 25, 2024

After a career spent deep in the trenches of legal scandals, Cohen now envisions a future where Trump returns to power, and he, in response, slips into an alternate identity—possibly “Zaphod Beeblebrox,” to blend in with whatever galaxy he finds himself in next. Whether it’s to dodge the consequences of past dealings or avoid awkward holiday dinners, Cohen is thinking big. And when we say big, we mean “Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster” big.

The Ultimate Rebrand

Cohen’s musings of fleeing not only the country but Earth itself have raised eyebrows (and some confused looks from border patrol agents). Imagine him landing on Mars, getting a new Martian passport stamped, and introducing himself as “John Smith” or perhaps something more sophisticated like “Ford Prefect.” Because, if you’re going to vanish into another dimension, you might as well go all-in on the anonymity.

Destination Unknown (But Probably Not Earth)

According to Cohen, anywhere Trump can’t reach him is fair game. Whether that means a remote island, a secret underground bunker, or Elon Musk’s shiny new Martian colony, Cohen’s relocation options seem as limitless as his imagination. Some speculate he’s shopping for real estate on planets without extradition treaties—because what better way to avoid legal issues than interplanetary asylum? Maybe Cohen’s already Googling “Mars time zones” and brushing up on his zero-gravity etiquette.

Fear of Galactic Retribution

For Cohen, Trump’s possible return to the White House is less “four more years” and more “four more light years away.” Cohen now sees Trump’s re-election as his own dystopian nightmare, with himself cast as the lead in a high-stakes political thriller. The reality is more “The Hunger Games” meets “The Office,” with Cohen trying to flee while also figuring out how to work interstellar Wi-Fi.

Cynical or Sympathetic?

Of course, Cohen’s dramatic escape plan could be interpreted in two ways, depending on whom you ask. Is it a genuine fear of Trump’s wrath or another attempt to stay relevant? After all, “If you can’t beat them, flee from them” could be Cohen’s new life motto. But others might view him as the tragic anti-hero in a saga of political vengeance, forced to flee to avoid becoming the scapegoat in some cosmic soap opera. Either way, Cohen’s quest to outrun political drama feels like something out of a bad sitcom—with higher stakes.

The Absurdity of It All

If you take a step back, this whole situation might be one of the most bizarre spectacles in modern political history. Who knew 2024 would have us considering space as a backup plan for political discontent? As Cohen’s intergalactic exit looms, you have to wonder: Is this really where Earth’s political scene is heading? Are we all going to be booking seats on the next SpaceX shuttle if our favorite candidate doesn’t win?

If Cohen actually pulls this off, his journey could be the next big reality show—think “Survivor,” but with spacesuits and moon bases. Forget Earth-bound elections; the real drama might be watching Cohen launch himself into space to escape the clutches of his former boss.

As the stars align and the 2024 Presidential election edges closer, we can only ask: When does this election season become more “Star Wars” than democracy? And why, in all the madness, isn’t there a longer line of people booking their own cosmic one-way ticket?

In the end, Cohen’s bid for freedom may be the greatest political satire of our time—or at least the most entertaining. Either way, it’s a saga the galaxy won’t soon forget.